Ok….. This has NOTHING to do with tea parties…. American Girl doll clothes…. doll trunks….. party favors and anything else we sell!
I NEED YOUR HELP!!!! You see – my metabolism has gone AWOL! It’s gone…..lost……left the building….. SPLITSVILLE! I have looked EVERYWHERE! “Wanted” posters have NOT helped. Lord KNOWS…..I posted rewards EVERYWHERE for a quick and easy return! I asked Jenny Craig for help. Sorry Valerie…. it just AIN’T that easy!
I’ve been pretty religiously exercising for a year. Elliptical 2 to 3 days per week for an hour. Weight training WITH a trainer 2 days per week. I’m solid as a ROCK !(under the flab)
So I went to a Dr….. Dr. Atkins that is. He helped me find my metabolic friend about 15 years ago. This time….. no help. I couldn’t seem to get myself into keto (whatever) even with a complete lack of carbohydrates!
I’ve been searching EVERYWHERE! Finally – I broke down and went to my physician. I took my husband (as a witness) to the “things” I have tried to do and the amount of food I am eating. He told me “Eat less!” I said “I thought if you eat too little you store fat”. He said “Did you ever see a fat person from Auschwitz?”. Good point! Maybe a complete blood work-up would uncover some clues…………..
Maybe…just maybe…. I’ll get an answer…………….. Maybe my thyroid has kidnapped my metabolism!!! Just a few drugs and BAM – I’ll find it again and live happily ever after reunited with my old metabolism. (Reunited and it feels so good!) 70’s song…. Every time I think about my metabolism I’m digress to a happier “metabolic” time. Think thyroid…Think thyroid….Think thyroid!
Well…….Maybe NOT! You don’t know HOW unhappy I was to find out my thyroid did NOT kidnap my metabolism! In fact – the little PDA my Doctor threw all my “numbers” into says I have less of a chance of some dreaded disease than most people my “age”.
“Sit tight, Joann, when you get through menopause you’ll find your pants will start feeling better and you’ll start losing weight”. Blah… blah…. Blah! I am NOT one to sit and weight (I mean wait). SEE how this has me CRAZY!
I have even searched the internet looking for a TV show I can nominate myself for as a contestant….. “The (NOT so in need of being the) Biggest Loser”, “Metabolism 911”, “America’s Most Wanted (Secrets of Finding My Metabolism)”. I looked all over for a casting call for some show that could help me in my search!! None… Nada….. Squat!
Soooooo now I am on a “new” diet my twenty-something body-building – trainer “Bobby Gunz” has put me on GUARANTEED to help me find my metabolism (IF I follow it to a “T”). It seems I am eating too little? HUH?! It’s definitely a BORING diet – but if it works – I’ll figure out how to make this diet tasty. Bobby will write a book….I’ll write the recipes – we’ll make a million… and I and my metabolism will live happily ever after.
If it doesn’t work….. I’ll keep searching for that old friend…. my metabolism. They say it’s a small world (not pants size). Maybe I’ll run into my metabolism some day!
Give me some “sugar” folks (it’s the ONLY way I’ll get some for a while) and send your comments, ideas, inspirations to help me in my quest. I’ll keep you posted – even if you don’t care. This is my self imposed “weigh-in”. Puh-lease…..send you comments ! Click on the title of this article to enable the comment area on the bottom of the post! PLEASE COMMENT! Take the poll!
I hate Liposuciton just eat what you want.